i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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