So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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