oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
