Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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