My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
