Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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