You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
