I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
