I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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