Can i not drive my cunt home
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
