just come out here and I will go home with you...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
