I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
