I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
