Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
