you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
