guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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