i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
