When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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