Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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