I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
