Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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