Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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