I can text with my tongue
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
