i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
