So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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