as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
