I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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