if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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