I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
