im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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