Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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