You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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