i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
