Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
