The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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