ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
