I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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