Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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