The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
