I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
