I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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