a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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