I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
