My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just want nice things and good sex
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
