coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
