I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
