I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
