last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
