I just made out with a guy for $7.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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