worst night to have a conscience
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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