I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
